The first list is not my own creation, but I did struggle to find someone I could attribute the brilliance to because while the ideas were there, the words were different. I did find one reference that matched 99% of this message (CLICK) so I'm going to choose to give the Wiser's clap to James West.
You sir, have a devilishly glorious mind and your writing made me giggle significantly.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side, but here are the rules from the male side.
Of course, the obvious sentiment to all of this is the old adage, "rules were meant to be broken", but it got me pondering if there existed a list that was more universal in its appeal, something that would transcend the changing tide of what it means to be a man in today's society because Lord knows, it ain't the same as my formative years! Having crossed the threshold of the 60's recently, I am firmly of the belief that there's truth in the following list, but you might get a very different answer from my 20 something son.
1. Never shake a hand sitting down.
2. Protect who is behind you, and respect who is beside you.
3. Never insult the cooking when you are the guest.
4. Never eat the last piece of something you didn't buy.
5. Never make the first offer in a negotiation.
6. Don't take credit for work you didn't do.
7. Don't blame, and give credit when due.
8. If you are not invited, don't ask to go.
9. Always aim for the head.
10. Don't beg for a relationship.
11. Dress well no matter what the occasion.
12. Always carry cash.
13. Listen, nod, and most of all make eye contact.
14. Show restraint in expressing anger, no matter what. Being angry is a waste of energy.
15. Whether it's dinner, drinks, or both, avoid placing your phone on the dinner table.
16. Never pose with alcohol.
17. Proper grammar will get you far in life. Leave the foul language for the less educated.
18. Ask more than you answer.
19. You can tell a great deal about a person by their handshake, so make your strong and firm.
20. Speak honestly. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side, but here are the rules from the male side.
(Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!)
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you to all the women in my life for reading this.
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you to all the women in my life for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that.
It’s like camping.
Please be assured that despite the sideways look I got from my bestie when she read Mr West's thoughts, I am alive, well, unscathed, and do not fear being smothered by a pillow in the near future.
One gentleman, Faisal Sayyed (CLICK), offers the following list, and I have to admit that I really like both the tone and limitations of it.
1. Never shake a hand sitting down.
2. Protect who is behind you, and respect who is beside you.
3. Never insult the cooking when you are the guest.
4. Never eat the last piece of something you didn't buy.
5. Never make the first offer in a negotiation.
6. Don't take credit for work you didn't do.
7. Don't blame, and give credit when due.
8. If you are not invited, don't ask to go.
9. Always aim for the head.
10. Don't beg for a relationship.
11. Dress well no matter what the occasion.
12. Always carry cash.
13. Listen, nod, and most of all make eye contact.
14. Show restraint in expressing anger, no matter what. Being angry is a waste of energy.
15. Whether it's dinner, drinks, or both, avoid placing your phone on the dinner table.
16. Never pose with alcohol.
17. Proper grammar will get you far in life. Leave the foul language for the less educated.
18. Ask more than you answer.
19. You can tell a great deal about a person by their handshake, so make your strong and firm.
20. Speak honestly. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
If you're at all like me, whatever you take away from reading these ideas will make for brightening your day, and I thank you for reading.
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