When tact is not enough

I recently fielded a call from a friend who sought my perspective on a situation he was going through with his child. He was curious, given my educational and coaching experience, if I had some advice for him in dealing with a personality conflict he was having with his child's coach. I was honoured by his request, and we had a really neat conversation about the issue and a few other things related to it.

It became evident, as my friend methodically explained the back story, that the interactions between his child and the coach involved were starting to become the proverbial "burr under the saddle." In the opinion of my friend, the interactions were often harsh, tersely worded, and negative in overall feel. My counsel was sought on how to best approach the coach to address his growing concerns about the long term mental health of his child.

At first, I was a little guarded about giving advice because I felt I was only getting one side of the situation and I really didn't feel it was my place to intervene. I wanted to ensure I completely understood the concerns before offering thoughts, since things can appear one way initially but become quite different when all is revealed and discussed. As my friend thoroughly explained why this concerned him so greatly, and what he had already tried, it became apparent that the issue was born out of a realistic fear that there could be lasting damaging effects if not addressed. 

I am acutely aware that coaching styles vary widely, and it really does make a huge difference if the coach is professionally trained versus a successful competitor now attempting to pass on some gems to the next generation. I wish to be clear that I am not painting everyone with the same brush, but some are naturally better at social interactions than others. Those who really struggled for success, and made coaching a quest for improved skills and knowledge, tend to better understand the communication of critical skills and knowledge. Those that were "naturals" tend to have a more difficult time communicating with students who aren't of the same make up. As our conversation proceeded, it was my understanding that my friend's assessment of the situation was of the latter nature.

When it came time to share my thoughts, I chose to use some of my 30+ years experience to explain the science behind coach-athlete interactions, the biology behind prolonged negativity with its effect on developing brains, and how to broach an emotion-charge situation ... not unlike defusing an irate parent in a classroom scenario. 

 

First: The use of 3 positives followed by 1 work-on has been researched at length and is well established as good pedagogy. It has been long proven that people all do not respond well to ranting and raving, and children are especially good at shutting down in a self-preservation mode. A barrage of negativity is not the way to deal with children.

 

Second: The phenomenon of synaptic pruning ... a process that takes place in developing brains where unused/unnecessary pathways are left to fallow in favour of solidifying well used/necessary pathways ... was integral to this situation. My friend's child was on the younger side, was passionate about the activity, and was doing a decent job of handling the negativity, but even the strongest of minds will eventually succumb to the constant criticism. The long term detrimental effects were a real possibility.

 

Third: Addressing concerns coming from a parental viewpoint is always a minefield, but especially with coaches who have grown accustomed to this "style" ... kind of like the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Considering all of the factors in this particular scenario, my advice was to approach the conversation focussing on the mental health and safety of my friend's young child with hopes that the "elephant in the room", when addressed in a professional, calm and diplomatic manner, would serve as an epiphany and prompt positive change.

I really don't envy my friend. The coach and his child have been together for a lengthy period and it is my understanding that the situation has been addressed once before, obviously with little or no consistent change. My friend's family wishes to stay with this coach because there is a transition that is coming that would be difficult to manage, considering the time it would take to establish a new coach. Basically, the family is left with only one option. That's a tough situation to find one's self in.

Hopefully I was a little help and things have worked out for the better. It's nice to know that all of those hours I spent over all of those years can be put to use, even in retirement.

Yay me and best of luck to my friend.